How To Dye Your Hair
/1. Skin test - don't actually bother, I mean how bad can it be?
2. Put on stupid gloves.
3. Take off stupid gloves as you can't unscrew any of the lids in order to mix the potions together. Get mixing. Pretend you're a witch or a scientist. (I am certain this is the only reason you have to mix it yourself)
4. Put stupid gloves back on. Gently squeeze the bottle until it unexpectedly spurts all over the top of your head.
5. Swear loudly as it drips onto your forehead and shoulders
6. Pick up flannel to wipe off excess hair dye and swear loudly as you realise you used the posh flannel
7. Sort of smear the dye into your hair in a half hearted way
8. Contemplate dying your eyebrows at the same time. Do not do this.
9. Pick up flannel to wipe off the excess drips and accept your posh flannel is no longer posh
10. Swear loudly as you notice the state of the sink.
11. Splurge the rest of the dye on as quickly as possible, so that you can clean up the sink before it ends up with more colour than your hair.
12. Experience mild terror when your scalp starts to tingle and regret ignoring the instruction to do a skin test.
13. Feel huge relief when the tingling fades.
14. Set your timer - depending on your personality, set it for 10 mins more or less than advised.
15. Use your now not-posh flannel to wipe the excess dye from your forehead, ears, neck, shoulders, breasts stomach and lower back.
16. Use your flannel, which is now just a cleaning rag, to wipe dye from the sink and floor.
17. Swear loudly when you discover you have managed to get hair dye on the ceiling.
18. Give up on cleaning the bathroom.
19. Spend some time sculpting your hair into interesting shapes - bunny ears, Elvis, Klingon - whatever takes your fancy.
20. Take off stupid gloves. Marvel at how sweaty a pair of human hands can get.
20. Sit on the toilet being bored until the timer goes.
21. Put stupid gloves back on. Swear loudly as you realise there was a blob of dye lurking beneath them that has definitely stained your sink.
21. Spread your legs and lean your upper body over the bath in a position I like to call ‘Drunk trying to pick up a penny’.
22. Spend some time to look at your reflection in the back of the shower and appreciate just how fantastic your breasts look at this angle.
23. Start washing your hair.
24. Splutter uncontrollably and try not to think about the fact that hair dye looks really like period blood as it runs down the bath.
25. Keep washing your hair.
26. Maintain your drunken posture as you endlessly squeeze massive globs of hair dye from your head.
27. Keep washing your hair.
28. Panic uncontrollably as a tidal wave of brightly coloured water sweeps across the bathroom floor.
29. Keep washing your hair.
30. When the water is running a light brown colour say ‘fuck it’ and give up.
31. Add conditioner and scoop your hair onto your head.
32. Yowl in agony as you straighten your back for the first time in 20 minutes.
33. The instructions say ‘use this time to relax’. You use this time to survey your once pristine bathroom which now looks like it has hosted a serial killer convention and weep quietly.
34. Whimper as you bend over and resume the ‘drunk trying to pick up a penny’ posture.
35. Rinse the conditioner out of your hair.
36. Marvel that the water has once again become brightly coloured.
37. Keep rinsing.
38. Use the shower to chase rogue droplets of hair dye down the plughole.
39. Stop rinsing when every muscle in your back goes into open rebellion and tries to escape your body. The water is still not running clear.
40. Wrap your hair in a towel. Swear loudly when you realise it is the posh towel that matches the once posh flannel.
41. Dry your hair and wait for someone, anyone, to notice your new hair colour.
42. No one does.