Things I Learned on my Holiday

Holidays are meant to be a time for expanding your horizons, for experiencing new things and changing your perspective on the world, so here is the wisdom I have gathered over the last 10 days in Italy.

On Friday I learned: 

• Christ it’s hot in Pisa in August.  
• The airport in Pisa is a 4 minute drive from the city centre. This is weird. 
• All karaoke nights should finish with a rousing rendition of Nessun Dorma sung by the whole bar, even if it is one o'clock in the cocking morning. 
• I am not good at booking air B&B accommodation. 
• My daughter can sleep through anything, even sticking to a plastic covered mattress in 90 degree heat and drunk people singing Nessun Dorma. 
• It’s impossible to get a good ‘comedy’ photo of the leaning tower because everyone is doing it. 

See

Heavy editing helps a little

Bloody kids

• You can definitely do cultural things whilst on holiday with kids - as long as it’s looking at architecture at break-neck speed. 

On Saturday I learned: 

• A newfound respect for anyone who took a driving holiday before sat nav. 
• It’s really important to remember where you put the toll booth ticket. 
• I don’t know as much about the Medici as I thought I did. 

On Sunday I learned: 

• I hate cicadas. 
• When the temperature is over 30 degrees it is entirely acceptable to have at least two ice creams a day. 
• Even though I am on holiday my body will still not allow me to drink more than half a bottle of wine without waking me up at 4a.m. Stupid body.
• Kids’ Club leaders are amazing - I would have dropped the whole pack of them into the swimming pool with lead weights attached if it were me. 
• Anyone can wear a bikini, even me. 

On Monday I learned: 

• Only idiots go the the beach between 11a.m. and 3 p.m. 
• Sometimes all you need to restore harmony between body and mind is some good seafood and a gallon of fizzy pop. 
• This bag I got on amazon for a fiver is the best thing I have ever bought. 

On Tuesday I learned: 

• I passionately loathe hand-washing jeans. 
• Kids aren’t going to be happy all the time, no matter how hard you try. 
• Sometimes its better to just sack off any adult plans you have made and just make sure the kids are having a good time… then everyone can have a good time. Ciao Firenze, un'altra volta.
• Children’s holiday club workers are the unsung heroes of our time. 

On Wednesday I learned: 

• Children are idiots - they will lap up any entertainment as long as it contains Disney songs. 
• If you are buying unbelievably cheap wine from a roadside vineyard stall always make sure you try a bottle before you pack it as it may be unutterably awful.  
• Even 8 year old boys want to take dick pics.

She was as happy with this as she was with goddamn Disneyland

On Thursday I learned: 

• Always take an ice pack with you when you’re travelling with kids. 
• Having exposed my stomach to the sun for the first time in a decade, sadly I have discovered that the sunshine does not render away the fat around my middle. 
• A Bravissimo bikini may have the structural engineering of the Eiffel Tower but if you try to do some proper swimming in it the drag from the water resistance may drown you. 

On Friday I learned: 

• The ephemeral nature of incredible Italian ice cream makes me a little bit sad. 
• When asked by a five year old how they built the massive castle, replying ‘by piling human misery upon human misery’ is not an acceptable answer, neither is 'ask the Targeryans'.
• Even torture can be whimsical when it's in a dolls house

Awwww, look at that executioner's cute little blood stained axe

• There is no bromance purer than your first bromance. 
• There is no guilt stronger than when you are responsible for the loss of your child’s new favourite cuddly toy in a city of unruly dogs. 
• My husband is a fucking hero: walker of mountains, seeker of creatures, and bestower of tsum tsum giraffes 

That little bastard right there caused us more heartache than either child

On Saturday I learned: 

• A little bit of exercise does make you feel better - when combined with no work, endless ice creams and sunshine. 
• If a child says 'I'm bored' fifty times it's still illegal to leave them on the side of the road (I checked)
• How to do the Soca Baci Vira dance. 

On Sunday I learned: 

• If the Soca Baci Vira song stays in your head for over 24 hours it will send you a little unhinged for the rest of the week. 
• Temperature changes the distance between things - a walk we did in Pisa at 9:30am last Saturday was nice and short, at 12:30pm today it was like crossing the bloody Sahara.
• Travelling with an eight and a five year old isn't awful.
• The departure lounge at Pisa airport is preposterously tiny but there is a much nicer, much calmer bit around gate 20 - which I only discovered after juggling 6 bottles of prosecco and a packet of breadsticks around 2 teams of footballers and 3 screeching toddlers.
• I like my house and I love my family

Things I haven't learned on holiday:

Why there is a massive picture of Sally Bowles and a giant turtle on stage at the kids club entertainment.

Not a clue